


Touch My Girl Say Goodbye To Your Hand

by Agentrogers17



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Addiction, Drugs, F/M, Hospitals, Hurt, Kidnapping, Major Character Injury, Protective Steve Rogers, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-15 20:04:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5798131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agentrogers17/pseuds/Agentrogers17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader is a SHIELD agent. One of the best and with a lot of knowledge. HYDRA kidnaps her. And Cap couldn't be more angry. They are not dating but Reader is the only gal who could make Cap forget about Peggy. Cap could never let her best girl get hurt, could he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When world collapsed to my feet

"HYDRA is in here!" Shouted Natasha.

"They are not getting out then." I shouted back.

"Cap they are too many."

"We can't lose in our own base damn it."

"Team 2187 is down."

"No." I said. It was the team (y/n) was in. Damn it no.

"Cap. Cap. Steve!"

"She may need my help Nat I can't let her down." I said running to her. 

Nothing could prepare me to what I saw. Half of your team was dead. Shot to death. 2 people were injured and the guy who I think is named Roman was the only one who could talk.

"Agent. Agent Roman. Where is (y/n)? What happened to her?"

"Rumlow took her with him. I... I don't know why. She was shot. But they didn't kill her."

I ran outside. Looked for everyting that could lead me to you. I will kill Rumlow. I said to myself. I will kill him. Fast if he won't hurt you. And slowly very slowly he will.

When I returned to Natasha she was covered in bliid. But I didn't even thought that it was her own.

"How is Agent (y/n)?"

"They toom her. Rumlow to be exactly."

"Where?"

"Have no idea. But I have to find her. Fast."

"How is the other from 2187?"

"Only 4 of them alive."

"Lets track your agents equipment maybe she has something with her."

"Even if she does Rumlow knows how we track. I don't think he let those stay on her."

'But if this is a trap. Than she will have them on her."

"I don't care I just need to take her back."

"Also you need to tell her that you dream about her day and night."

"I think rescue is more important."

"We will save your princess Steve. So after that the two of you can have 'Thank you my knight in shining american flag' sex."

"Just shut up." I said blushing madly.

***

3 days. 3 fucking days has passed since Rumlow took her. We found 2 HYDRA bases. Looked everywhere of them but nothing.

I was starting to lose my mind. Less sleep, food and patience everyday was killing me. But the real reason of my pain was having no idea if you were dead or alive.

"Stop thinking about the worst. I promise you Rogers. We will find you gal."

'What if it is too late?"

"They wouldn't dare to kill Captain America's crush right. Come on Cap if she was dead we would have found her body by now. Also they will try to take information from her. She won't talk. They will try harder. And before they will give up on trying and kill her. We will find her and save her."

I looked at red head. Only God knows how much I wanted to believe her. But I was so terrified of you to being hurt or worse. It was taking all my hopes.


	2. Cold&Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader is at one of the HYDRA base. They are trying to get info. But she is strong. Also we all know everyone has a limit to be strong .

When I opened my eyes I was sitting on the floor. The room was dark, cold and it felt wet. But I couldn't be sure. God how my head hurted. Everything was foggy.

My wrists were tied up. And my body hurted probably because someone kicked my ass pretty bad. Than I remembered Rumlow. That son of a bitch. That explained everything. HYDRA got me. 

Then I heard foot steps. And the door opened. God how bright was the outside? I thought I would be blind. When the door closed and my sight became normal I saw a man. Tall, slim and with an ugly cocky smile. He was here to ask the questions. It was written all over him.

"Hello Agent." He said.

"Who are you?"

"It is not important." So he knew he was a HYDRA rat. Good. "The important thing is why I am here. We know that you had a lot of high level accesses back in SHIELD. Now you will tell us everything you know."

"Over. My. Dead. Body."

"Oh dear you will have a dead body soon. But not that soon. First you will tell us everything."

"Or?"

"Or... Your lovely Captain America will find some unimportant parts of you body. What will it be? Ears, fingers or maybe a whole foot?"

"I don't think it will hit him that hard. Be was in a world war you know he must have seen parts of body which weren't attached to each other."

"Yes... But did he ever saw unattached parts of body which came from the girl who he has in his heart?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed Agent? How he was nice to you, how he would take you to your home late nights, take you to coffee in every opportunity he got?"

"We call that friendship. But I guess it is different here. You know all you can do is kill. So what can you know about friendship or love?"

"I really don't understand your aim Agent? Trying to hurt me or HYDRA with your little words or you friendship is magical motto?" I am trying to win some time you dumbass.

"You know that he will come to save you? And than we will kill him. I will do my best to make it happen in front of your eyes." He said with a wicked smile.

No. Steve no. Don't come to save me. No.

***

I didn't know how long I have been here. Or how long they were beating me for information. It was like programmed. Asking me questions, me not answering, beating me untill I will black out, asking me questions again, no answer, beating... It was like that everyday. I was hungry. No food since they captured me. They were giving me water. That was everything I got. I was feeling weak, hungry and it hurted everywhere. 

I didn't know how many days have passed. But it seemed that it was more than a week. Maybe two weeks. I didn't know. And I thought no one will come to save me. I will die here. They will do only God knows what to my body. I will die all alone and all in pain. 

But I was sure about one thing. I will never give them anything they want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In next chapter Cap will kick some asses.


	3. I Will Never Let You Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cap finds Reader. And takes her to Avengers Tower. But she is weak and has major injuries. Can she make it? Can Cap save her?

Where are you (y/n)? Where are you?

I was checking every room to find her. But luck wasn't by my side right. It was 4th HYDRA base an if she wasn't here, if I won't find her today... I didn't know if I could stay strong anymore. Damn. Where was she? How was she?

"Relax Cap we will find your girl." Said Tony.

"I don't know Tony. I don't know..."

"But I know we will find her. Trust me. We can't lose that girl. If we will you might stay a virgin forever." He said. Normally I would blush or answer him. But today... Today I couldn't. Not withput finding you.

"I see a life form downstairs."

"I am on it." I said and ran there.

There were 5 rooms. It was colder in this floor. It was more... I don't even know how to describe it. But it made me feel like I lost all my hopes and faith. She had to be here. Because I don't really think there is a better place to hold a prisoner than here. 

I started to check all rooms one by one. First one was empty. Second one... Well there was someone a man. But he was dead at least for 2 weeks. There were more bodies on third ant forth rooms. So when I went to last one. My handa were shaking. She might be in there. But there is a high possibility that she is dead. No one was alive on this floor. No one. I opened the door. Slowly. Trying to escape from my fears.

There was a body. Too still for a living person but also wasn't looking dead. I got close and saw (h/l) (h/c). (Y/n)... It was (y/n). I checked pulse. There was a pulse! Slow, weak but real. I lifted her in my arms. She was lighter than she used to be. But she was alive. And this was all that mattered.

"I found her. But she needs medical help. I found her."

"Is she alive?" Asked Clint.

"Barely. But she is." I said and started to run. I had to save her. I needed to save her.

***

Doctors were checking on her for an hour now. And I was getting more stressed minute by minute.

"We found her Cap. She is safe now."

"I need to see her Nat. And... Why is it taking that long?"

"Because they need to be sure that she is okay. They don't know what exactly happened to her. They are trying to understand every wound so they can help her perfectly."

"I need to see her."

"Go take a shower. You are covered in blood. Eat something. And than you can go and see your gal as long as you want."

"No I will wait for ger right here."

"You stink like a dead body Rogers. You will kill her with that smell. Take a shower! They won't be done anytime soon anyway. Go!"

I took my shower. Eat some pizza and went to her with coffee in my hand. One of the doctors were exiting the room.

"How is she?" I asked.

"She is sleeping Captain. We gave her some strong pain killers."

"Is her injuries serious?"

"Yes. She has broken ribs, broken wrist and a broken leg. There are deep cuts on her back and arms. They gave her no food so her body couldn't find the proteins it needed to heal. And she is weak. But we gave her everything she needed. It will take sometime for her to be %100 allright. But she will make it."

"Can I see her?"

"Yes. Why not?"

When I entered the room (y/n) was sleeping like a princess in her hospital bed. She was bandaged all over. Her skin was a bit yellow from sickness but... But I couldn't stop thinking how beautiful she was looking.

I sat next to her bed. I was watching her. She was hurt. I could see that. But now she was here with me she was at home. 

"She is pretty messed up." Said Bruce. He was checking doctor's notes.

"She is safe now. And she will heal one day."

"She might or might not have a trauma. I am not sure but. Last weeks weren't the easiest for her."

"What do you mean Doc?"

"I think she might need a mental help when she wakes up."

"I will call Sam. He knows what to do in this kinds of situations. But first we need her to wake up." I said kissing her hand. And looking at her tired face.

"She will wake up Steve. She will..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.  
> Please leave kudos and comments.  
> XOXO


	4. I Remember The First Time I Saw You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader wakes up but she has never been this vulnerable in her life. Good that a tall, handsome and very strong soldier is always there for her.

For a moment I thought that I was dead. After all that pain in my body I was feeling numb. A good kind of numb. Which makes you feel like you have nothing to worry about everything will be good.

Then I heard someone talking, holding my hand. Someone was there for me. At it was strange. I was alone. I always was alone. Had lots of friends which never were close enough to be always there. I was lonely with a lot of people to say hello than vanish.

I couldn't even guess who might it be. But the hand holding mine was big. It couldn't be a woman. It was a man. Which... Which made everything more strange. Sure I had boyfriends but they were more like it was nice to fuck you but I gotta go types of relationships. I really couldn't think of anyone who would be worried about me.

But he, the guy who rarely left my hand, was there. I don't know since when  he was sitting there or when would he give up on me. Everybody gave up on me. I never was enough. I don't blame them. It is not that I hate myself. I am happy with myself. But I just don't think that a person can be good for everyone. Maybe I wasn't the right one for them nor they were right for me. It wasn't my or their fault. 

So back to the hand... It was warm. Hot even. Or maybe I was too cold. I could smell the hospital scent. It was there nit very strong but yeah there it was. Sometimes the person next to me would touch my hair. Light and gentle touches like he was afraid to hurt me. He would kiss my temple when he needed to go. And always would whisper to me "I promise it won't take long (y/n). I will be back before you will miss me."

And he always returned. Never left me for too long. Sometimes he went to take a shower. I could smell his soap. It made me feel home. Sometimes he would bring coffee with him. Oh coffee... It smelled divine.

It was strange to hear, smell and feel everything around but not being able to comminucate with them. It was strange to lay down and wait for something to change. It was strange laying next to a man who cared so much for ms but not being able to recognize him.

 I was wondering when would I be able to open my eyes and meet this man. I was wondering what happened to me after all those days with HYDRA. How long was I there? What did they do to me? Who saved me? And... Will I be ever the same again?


	5. Wake Up And Just Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader wakes up. But well... It is not easy to recover.

I was watching (y/n) for 8 days now. Bruce was saying that she is sleeping because she is tired also the meds they are giving to her are makimg it hard to wake up for her. But it wasn't a problem. I could wait her for an eternity. Her skin colour was becoming healtier day by day. I didn't liked the yellowish shade of it anyway. They were giving her meds and some kind of vitamins and blood food. I didn't really care. Only thing that mattered was her health.

"How is your sleeping beauty today Capsicle?" Asked Tony. Sitting at her bedside.

"She looks healtier. But she is sleeping for too long. I just really need her to wake up and be sure that she is okay."

"She us a big girl Cap. Look at her she was the only one who we could save alive from HYDRA. She was there longer than most of them but she is the only one alive."

"I really miss her. I miss to see her smile or just talk about something I have no idea what." I laughed. It just... I loved to listen your voice. Sometimes you would tell me things that I never understood but it never stopped me from listening. After a while you would notice that I was clueless. And would ask me with a smile 'Cap are you listening?' 'Yes ma'am.' 'You don't look like.' 'You know that I would never stop listening to you (y/n).' 'You better not Rogers.'

I smiled to the memory. I loved you to talk to me with that sass. I loved you answers. I loved you. Still do. So much.

"Aren't you tired Cap? Have you ever slept normally since we found her?"

"Trust me I sleep much better since she is back."

***

I woke up to a groan. It was dark. I was sitting next to (y/n)s hospital bed.

"(Y/n)... Princess?" I whispered afraid to disturb her. She groaned again.

"Hey pretty it is me Steve. You are with me. You are home. Safe." She opened her beautiful (e/c) eyes. 

"JARVIS, turn on the lights. Not too bright but I want (y/n) to see me clearly."

"Yes Captain."

"Thank you." 

She looked at me confused. I caresed her wild (h/l) (h/c) hair. And softly smiled to her.

"You are safe." I whispered.

"Captain? Where are we?"

"Avengers Tower. You are good now. No one can hurt you. I won't let them."

"How did you find me?"

"I never stopped looking for you. That is the secret. If you won't stop looking you will find. And I could never give up on you. Not on my best girl."

She gave me a tired smile. 

"Thank you Steve."

"Always darling." I said kissing her cheek. "Is anything hurting?"

"Nope. I feel numb."

"Pain killers. There are a lot of meds in your blood."

"Oh... What time is it?"

"3 a.m."

"Why are you here at this time?"

"I am always here pretty. How can you expect me to leave your side?" I smiled playing with her hair.

"What now Cap?"

"Now? Now you will stay with me so that I can look after you. I would love to. Of course if you will let me take care of you."

"Come on Cap. Who can I trust more than you?"

"No one?"

"No one." 

 


	6. You Are Everything That I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader is getting better. Cap? He is crazy in love.

"Steve sugar I swear I am good." I said. He was worried I got it. But come on I am grown ass woman. 

"Are you sure you are not hurt?"

"I will only have a bath. A bath! I will lay in water. How hard can it be?"

"Harder than you can imagine. I can call Natasha or Wanda. They will help."

"Lets make it like this. You will help me get in. And help to wash my hair."

"Are... Are you sure?"

"It is just hair Steve. Come on." I said taking off all my clothes. He looked at my nude body shocked.

"I... I am sorry." He said. He was blushing hard and now his baby blue eyes were lookin at wall. Damn he was too cute. I just took his face in my hands and pulled him to myself. And without thinking I kissed him. First he didn't answer. But then his big warm hands found my waist. He was touching me with so much love and kindness. When our kiss stopped his blue eyes were so beautiful. I couldn't stop staring.

"You can look at me Steve. I trust you. I know you won't hurt me. I know that you wish only best for me. Also this is just a body. Of course it doesn't mean I will walk around naked." He smiled "But you... I don't have anything to hide from you."

"You can walk around naked. I don't think anyone will disagree. You are beautiful." I smiled softly.

"Kiss me Captain." I whispered and his lips were on mine.

***

"Hey Bruce." I said entering the lab.

"Hello (y/n). How are you feeling?"

"Good. Just my wrist gives me some trouble. Could you give me some painkillers?"

"What happened to ones I gave you yesterday?"

Oops... He remembered. 

"They are not strong enough. And you know it is my right hand. I use it to eat and a lot of things it is just hurts much."

"Okay. I have something stronger but you gotta be careful. It is stronger than any other pain killer you had used. Take one and wait for an hour if it doesn't work take one more. But it can not be more than 4 in one day. Got it?"

"Yepp. Be careful. Do not take a lot. Be careful."

"Yes. Also... Where is your super soldier? I thought ylu two were glued to each other." He said with a playful smile. I smiled back.

"He is training. Thank God." I laughed. Took my meds and went to our room. Steve wouldn't come soon. I sat on our bed and took 6 pills once. Closed my eyes and waited to get high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drug addict? Totally. Crank up the drama.


	7. I Love All Your Perfec Imperfections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cap finds out that reader is an addict. But it can not lessen his love. Make it more? Always.

"You look different." I said looking at the girl in front of me. She lifted her charming eyes and with a half smile she asked:

"Good different or bad different?"

"I am not sure. It is just. Are you using something?" She tensed. I could sense it. She was panicking insiden

"Something... Like what?"

"I don't know. Different meds maybe?"

"No. Nothing different everything is same."

"Are you sure? You look like you had been used something too much and it made you sick."

"Are you a doctor now Captain?"

"You are sleeping at the same bed with me but you are calling me Captain? Aren't we a bit too close for this?"

"You like it. It makes you feel so big so I don't know... In command?" She said with a playful fire in her eyes. I felt my blush. Yes I did like her calling me Captain. I liked it very much. It was a kind of turn on. 

"Back to my main question... Are you sure nothing is effecting you in a wrong way?"

"I am 100 percent sure that everything is right. I feel great. Better than ever."

"Just tell Bruce to make some blood tests on you. To be sure... Or I can tell him if you want?"

"No! No. I am sure I can do it by myself." She gave me a nervous smile. What are you doing (y/n)? What are you hiding from me?

"Oh I almost forgot... Would you like to go to a movie tonight?"

"Is this a date?"

"Only if you want it to be a one."

"Lets go. I haven't been on a movie since forever."

"We will change it tonight. But unfortunately I gotto go and train the newbies now. What are your plans?"

"I don't know maybe I will go for a walk with one of the girls or I can hang with Tony."

"Careful with Tony. Mostly with his hands and their distance from your body." She laughed and kissed me slowly.

"You are jealous. How cute." She whispered.

"It is because I love you. You are too cute and there are too many males around."

"You are only male I want. But I don't know what you will think about my girl crushes."

"Oh shut up. I am late. I gotta go. Love you."

"Love you more..."

***

"Are you ready?"

"I am totally ready Cap." I heard her say from behind. I turned to look ag her and God... How a real person could me this beautiful. Sge was wearing a white casual crop top and ultra high waisted black maxi skirt with knee high leg cut. I just watched her for I really have no idea long. She smirked and asked:

"Like what you see Rogers?"

"No. I am totally in love with what I see." Her smile widened and she gave me a magical kiss.

"Lets go baby girl." I said and put my arm around her tiny waist.

Our movie night was perfect. It was one of the best nights in my life. And after we returned to tower I was laying in the bed waiting for her to come out of the shower. She was in her red night gown. She took her medicine and layed next to me.

I pulled her small body to myself. She put her arms around my torso and I put my arms around her. I was resting my chin on the top of her pretty head. She was listening to my heartbeat.

"Sweet dreams Cap." She murmured.

"Sweet dreams baby girl."

***

I waked up to an enormous heat on my chest. (Y/n)  was sleeping there. I put my hand to her forehead. Damn. She was burning up.

"(Y/n). (Y/n)!" I shaked her but she was not responding. "Come on beautiful wake up." I said. No response.

"JARVIS. Wake doctor Banner up. It is an emergency. (Y/n) is not waking up. I am taking her to lab."

"Yes Captain Rogers."

Banner was waiting us at lad when we arrived.

"What happened?"

"She is burning up. And she is not responding."

"JARVIS I need her blood samples fast."

We waited 10 minutes for JARVIS to examine her blood. Longest 10 minutes of my life. And the most painful.

"She has an overdose Doctor Banner."

"Overdose of what?"

"Painkillers."

"Fuck." Banner cursed under her breath. It was the first time I heard him to curse.

"Clean her blood JARVIS. And check her liver."

"What does it mean?" I asked.

"It means she didn't listen to me. Also she tricked to me to get stronger drugs."


	8. All I Can Do Now Is To Ask Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cap is angry. Is this the end? Is this where they give it all up?

"How long?" He asked. He was angry. I could see that. Fuck I even could feel that.

"How long were you harming yourself? Answer me (y/n)!"

"Since I woke up."

"Why? Why did you do this? Why are you doing this? How dare you?"

"You don't know..."

"I don't know what? That it was so good for few minutes that years damn it years that you will live weren't important?"

"No." I whispered. It was so funny. We were so opposite right now. He angry, burning from his fury, shouting. He was so loud right now. And there is me. So calm, so quiet. 

"No?"

"No. You don't know how much it hurted all those days. How they hurt me. Cut me. Broke my bones. How much pain I had. That pain didn't let me go. My body healed but that pain is still in every cell in my body. It is so real. You have no idea."

"You could have told me."

"What? What I was going to tell you? That it hurts. That... That I am in pain. That the ghosts of those days are still with me. Please tell me what would you do?"

He looked shocked for a moment. But he was good with talking. I could never win this battle. But it never stopped me to fight.

"I would be there for you. I would find someone to take the pain away."

"No. You could do nothing. No one can."

"Don't you understand how much I love you?"

"Don't you understand love doesn't fix anything."

That was it. He got angry. He turned away and got out. I didn't know where he went or when would he be back. Would he be back? No. I didn't think so. Everyone left me why wouldn't he?


	9. When will I see you again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is hard. For both of them. And also they ars stubborn. So... Someone has to take the first step. But who?

"You need to talk to her." Said Natasha. I looked at her. I was angry but mostly I was heart broken. She.... I never thought she would harm herself. I thought I was making her happy.

"No."

"Steve. She has trauma. She needs you."

"She is a drug addict. She didn't even think about me. What would happen to me. How would I live without her. She is a selfish drug addict."

"Don't say that it is not her fault."

"Whose fault it is the Natasha? Mine?"

"No. Both of you are innocent in this. But life... Life sometimes may be hard. And people are not strong enough or they are just broken and it is not easy to get up like everything is all right."

"I would do anything for her to be allright. But she choose to lie to me. I asked her that morning if she was using anything that she did not before. And she said no. Natasha she knew what the fuck she was doing."

"You can't blame everything on her. Just like that. Sure she should not use drugs. But abandoning her just like this. Cap... It is not something you would do."

"I can't deal with it right no Natasha."

"You are leaving?"

"Yes. I asked Fury for a mission. I won't be here for a week maybe more."

"Say goodbye to her."

"I better not."

"Steve."

"Natasha no..."

"If you will break her heart just like this. If you will run away like the last coward. I won't let you see her when you will need her the most."

"I need her the most always. So nothing changes. I am dying to be with her but I won't be with her that's it."

***

I was sitting. Waiting for Clint and Tony to arrive. So we could do this mission.

"Are you sure you want to go?" Asked Clint.

"I am sure I don't want to stay."

"Okay Capsicle. Cut thus shit. You are in love with her. She is in love with you. So so what if she did a mistake? Didn't we all?"

"We are doing this mission Tony. And I don't want to hear any of this."

"But you want to leave her alone. You want her to suffer? She is suffering. Since you left her. She is crying. Nonstop. You know? And I really don't think she deserves this shit."

"If you want her to have a shoulder to cry you are free to stay Stark."

"How can you be such a heartless son of  bitch!"

And that was how I found myself punching Iron Man and him punching me back. So mission was not going to happen.

Thor and Clint were the ones who stopped us. And they took us to med lab. And when we entered the lab... Something wasn't right. Bruce looked at us with a suprised expression but then patched both of us.

"Shouldn't (y/n) be here?" I asked.

"She left." Answered Bruce.

"The lab?"

"The tower."

'Why?"

"She said that since you don't want her here. She has no reasons to stay."

 


	10. Lay Me By Your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Cap are no more a thing. Cap is being a total jerk and Reader... Everything is going down in her life. She lost the only thing she had: Steven Grant Rogers.

It was strange to be on my own after all this time. After everything he had done for me and with me. I really was not prepared to be left all alone. All by myself. All without Steve. And it kind of hurt. Not to be alone or left behind. But... But it hurt more than every damn thing in this universe to be without him. Without all the love he gave me.

The pain... Mental one got worse by every day. And I had to break my fingers or my wrist to make the doctors give me strong pain meds. Because the ones for migrannes were not helping at all. I needed to feel so high that no pain would get me. I needed to forget about HYDRA, beatings and I sure as hell needed to forget about Steven Grant Rogers. And how safe would I feel when he would put those big strong arm around me or how he would kiss me. One hand on my waist pulling me to his body like he wanted me to be a part of him. The other one holding my chin so I could never stop or weaken the kiss. God those kisses...

But he didn't want me anymore and I would never go and beg him to take me back. I was good without him. I was right?

***

"Dummie did nothing leave the poor thing." Said Natasha from my back.

"What are you doing here?"

"Checking you. To see if your brain works."

"My brain works fine thank you very much."

"You miss her."

"Who?"

"Lets just not play this game. Captain you want her no you desire her. But you act like a bag full of shits."

"It is over Nat."

"Because you just can't go and tell her you are sorry?"

"Because she was the one who left."

"Oh don't you dare to go there! We both now who left first. Who gave up first and (y/n) clearly was not that person. She left because you made her feel like she was nothing."

"Do you want to know how I felt!"

"No! Maybe I would like to if you still were the Steve I knew. The kind, golden hearted Steve. Not this idiot in front of me." She said and left. I missed her. But it was over. There was nothing I could do.

***

It was the first time I was going to SHIELD since my kidnapping. And I was nervous. I didn't want to see any of the Avengers there. But also I was sure all of them would be there. Nick Fury wanted a meeting. I knew what it was about.

Almost my whole team died in last attack and we needed a new one. As co leader of ex one I needed to be there.

"Good morning Agent." Natasha told me. I gave her a small smile.

"Good morning."

"He is in there."

"I kind of guessed he would."

"He will act like a total jerk but trust me he is in pain. Because he still loves you very much."

"I don't think it is time or place Natasha."

"You need to know."

"I know everything I need to know. Captain does not want me anymore. Clearly I am not good enough anymore. I don't care. It is not my problem."

"(Y/n) dear. I know you do not deserve the way he acts. I don't like it but. I really like you two together. Alson I know that poor little brokeb heart of yours is still beating for one handsome soldier."

***

The minute (y/n) came in with Natasha.... I think thay was the moment when my heart exploded. I missed her. I missed her more than I could ever think. Or more than I could ever imagine. I wanted to go and kiss her with every emotion I got. Tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am.

But here we were both trying to not look at each other. Face of each one in a emotionless statue like pose. God... What have we done?

Before I could blame myself a little more Nick Fury came.

"Everybody. I know this was planned as a meeting to build a new team but there is an emergency. I need Captain and Agent (y/n) in undercover mission. In 3 hours."


	11. We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mission. Long mission. Only Cap and Reader. Alone. Playing a married couple. Come on how long can it take for them to make things like they were? Okay maybe forever... But I do still have faith.

Sitting next to your kind of ex boyfriend. Waiting for landing. Which is 4 hours away. It is no fun.

"Both of you stop acting like little kids." Said Clint.

"Shut it up Barton." Hissed Steve.

"No I won't. You know why? Because both of you are crazy in love with each other but still acting like you don't give a fuck."

"Is it so Beyoncè?" I asked teasingly.

"Okay! Keep sitting in that silence. Check each other with side eye and than keep acting like both of you don't care."

We just really did that. No talking no conversation nothing. After everything we have been through together here we are. Not talking. Personally I was dyjng inside. But of course I would never let him see this. He would never see how insanely in love was I. He did not deserve it. And I really didn't think he wanted it either.

"You realise that you two will act like a married couple for at least a month."

"It is a mission Natasha. You should know better than anyone it doesn't matter. It is just an act." I said and heard his sarcastic laugh. "Have a problem Rogers?"

"Yeah I have. Did it ever mattered to you?"

"You have no idea how much it mattered to me. How much I needed it. But don't worry I am used to being left behind. No hard feelings."

"Everything we have are hard feelings."

"So you do have feelings?" I asked.

"Enough. Both of you." Said Natasha and put her hand to my shoulder.

"(Y/n) honey lets gon check if you have everything you need before arrival." She said. And I followed her. Hardly holding back my tears.

***

"Are you sure you want this mission Steve? I can go instead of you." Said Clint. I didn't want to give up. SHIELD needed ne for that mission. But also I was tired of our fights. The sadness in your eyes and well the things we were saying to each other were not the best. And I didn't wanted to make more damage then there was.

"Positive. She is right it is just one stupid mission. We just have to act good in public and stay away from each other when it is needed to."

"You sure you can stay away from her? You know. I think there is too much sexual tension between you two."

"It is not sexual tension. It is anger from dissapointing each other."

"So you don't want her. Like you know... Hold her in your arms... Naked. Totally naked. And do some adult things."

Blushing hard was not helping me right now.

"Clint. No. It is over and I am tired of being acted like we both are couple of horny teens."

"Maybe not teens but both of you are a bit horny when it comes to each other. You know I saw you many times checking her ass. And I know you liked what you saw."

"I will kill you Barton."

***

London yay! My favourite city to pretend married with Captain America.

Our flat was good in a decent place of town. The problem was that there was only one bed. And that bed was like huge. XXL King size. And was no couch to sleep on. Even I would not fit there in laying position. So I decided to think about it later. I didn't know how to talk with Steve. I had no idea. And I felt a little bit scared. 

"I am going to buy some pizza. Do you want anything?" He asked me in a cold monotone voice.

"No. Pizza is good.Thanks." I said not brave enough to look in his eyes. And heard him leaving. I decided to take a shower. Shower always made everything better anyway...


	12. I Would Take A Bullet For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kids what you do when you love someone so much but can not tell them so you show them. But it might hurt a little. You know all that love might cause some pain.

"Are you ready?" I asked her. We were going to a dinner party. Where our target was. I was wearing a suit. Dark blue one. With snow white shirt. And I was waiting for (y/n). We were living togetger for almost 3 weeks now and still we were acting like strangers. Avoiding each other. Talking only when something about mission was needed to tell. And it wasn't much. Mission was slow. And all that silence around both of us was killing me slowly.

"I am ready. We can go." She said. I saw her deep red dress. Knee long with spagetti strapes and showing a bit of her gorgeous chest. Her hair was in a beaty queen kind of style. Her long lashes were curled in a strong black and she was wearing a bright red lipstick. I was mesmerized. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed.

"We can go." She repeated. I closed my mouth. God I was emberrased for staring like that.

"Yes. Sure. Sorry."

We didn't talk at car. When we were there I opened her door and helped her out. I put my arm around her waist and pressed her to myself. We were gkkd actors. What could I said.

When we entered the ball room kind of room everybody both men and women were looking at (y/n). Men with lust which was making my blood boil inside and women... Well I think theh were jealous of her also wanted to kill her. Because they knew the most beautiful thing tonight was her. She was the goddess. And they could not be a match of her. I checked her with a side look. She was searching our target.

"We should split up. It would be easier." She said.

"Are you sure you will be okay?"

"Of course I will be. Who do you think I am?" I did not answer that. I knew what I was thinking she was. She was my best girl. She was the love of my life. And she was the girl who I left behind because of my idiotic pride. We went to different sides of room. She sat at bar and I went next the gentlemen who were playing cards. Two places we would mostly catch our target. Also I was watching her perfectly from here. I could react to any danger.

***

Sitting at the bar alone. Waiting for our stupid target while feeling Steve's eyes on me were boring and stressfull. I just wanted to be in his arms. Really just that. Cuddle a bit and fall asleep. Living with him sleeping at the same bed our backs facing each other wasn't anything better. I would go to bathroom and take my pills everynight after I was sure Steve would be deep asleep. But I knew that he knew. He was good at feeling things. I knew he was guessing that somehow I was taking my drugs. But he acted like he had no idea. I know how good at acting he was. We were barely speaking to each other but when we were outside he would make an impression that we were madly in love with the happiest marriage.

Even I believed sometimes. Or wanted to believe thay it was something that we could have. But... I knew it was not. Loving him was hard. And being with him... It was impossible. 

Today was not helping. He looked drop dead gorgeous in that night blue suit. Those eyes... Lord give me strenght. Those eyes were making my heart miss a beat. Also those cheek bones were making me hot down there. I think there is no meaning to talk about his I am and always will be the hottest human alive body. He was flawless. Everyone could see and would accept that. So I don't want to talk about a thing that is on front of our eyes.

 Suddanly I felt something was not right. No... Something was going to happen. I checked my gun in my bra and prepared myself to get it whenever it was needed. I looked at Steve. He was looking at me with a questioning look in his eyes. He should have seen my discomfort. I just looked around him no one who seemed to be dangerous. But that feeling. Deep down in my gut. Something terrible was going to happen. Something thay would be unforgivable. 

But what? What was the danger? Where was the danger? Who? Who was the danger? Damn. No one was looking like a threat. But they never did. For example Rumlow. Looked like a cool hella agent. But look at him now. HYDRA's best puppy. Fucking bastard....

And then I saw it. A man in his forties was getting closer to Steve. I got up from my place but someone hold me. 

"Sorry princess you are not gonna save him."

"Steve! 11 o'clock!" I shouted and tried to get away from the creep.

I could handle him in few minutes. Idiots just because the chick is pretty it doesn't mean she can't kick your ass.

Steve was fighting the guy but suddanly they were 5. I shot 3 of them and got to Steve. The first guy was holding a gun. I jumped in front of him and felt more than 4 bullets sinking into me. And then all the screams, all that rush was gone. I felt Steve whisper my name maybe scream I don't know. It all went down. Everything I bad. All my reality was fading slowly. And than I lost it all. Honestly I thoughy I died. Maybe I was dead. I was sure I was dead.


	13. Nightmare

"(Y/n)." I whispered. She was in my arms. I didn't know how may bullets hit her. I didn't know how many organs were hit. I didn't know why she saved me. 

"Natasha.... Natasha send anyone send an ambulance. Nat it bad." I said. I was terrified.

"Cap what happened."

"It is (y/n)... She is hurt. Oh god. Nat she is bleeding."

"I called an ambulance they know we are SHIELD. And we are coming. Wait us at hospital. Do you hear me Cap."

"Nat. She is bleeding. Nat..."

"Ambulance will be there in 5. She will be okay. Relax."

Ia looked at girl in my arms. She looked paler than ever. She looked bad. Her red dress became scarlet from her blood. And my white shirt was red. From her blood. 

She was not awake and I barely could hear her breath. Oh lord. Please don't let her die. Don't. I can't lose her. Not like this. 

I heard the ambulance and I was scared it was too late. But she had a pulse. Thank god. A weak pulse but a pulse. Medics took her from me. I followed them to ambulance. I could hear them but it was hard to understand. All my thoughts were about her right now.

***

"Where are they?" Tony asked.

"(Y/n) is in surgary and Cap... They said he has shock. He is in therapy.

"How bad is (y/n)?" Asked Clint.

"Very bad. She saved Cap and all her torso is full of bullets right now. She might not make it."

"Shit."

"Yeah. It is... I don't know how it happened and I am not sure Steve can be okay after all of it."

"What is the chances?" Asked Bruce. I took a deep breath. 

"Low. It... Bullets hit her lungs and her stomach. I don't know how strong can she stay."

"Lets check on Cap." Said Tony. When we entered the room Cap was in... It was the most horrible state I have seen him in. He was wearing a dark blue suit full of blood lines. (Y/n). Her blood. His white shirt was red from her blood. And Cap looked so lost. I knew he was aware how bad was (y/n)s condition. I knew that he knew she might not make it. And I knew he regretted all the days he wasted by being mad at her. 

"Steve..." I whispered. He looked at me with his wide blue eyes full of sorrow.

"Is (y/n) okay?"

"We don't know." I said honnestly.

"Can she make it?" He asked.

"We don't know."

"It is my fault."

"No. Cap. It was not."

"If she dies. Her blood will be on my hands." He whispered. He was not talking to us anymore. He was talking to himself. To his pain and regrets.

***

She was in that fucking surgery for 5 hours. What were they doing to her? Was she still alive. I looked at the others. Tony was looking at wall with a hard determination. Natasha was asleep on Clint's shoulder. She looked stressed. Clint was watching news. And Bruce was coming to us with coffee.

"You should change your clothes." Said Clint.

"I know. I just don't want to leave her. If anything happens I want to stay here."

"If she was so important to you why did you acted like she was nothing for months!" Said Tony. I could see the anger in his eyes.

"You don't know."

"Yeah? I don't know? Damn it Rogers you left her all by herself. All alone ahen she needed you the most but she saved your life. Sacrificing her own. You should be one lucky bastard."

"You have no idea how much I want to be in her place right now. You have no idea what I would give to keep her safe, alive. You don't know how much it hurts."

"Like you hurted her?" Asked Natasha. I knew she was hating me right now. I just didn't answer. I knew I fucked up everything I knew it might be too late. I just couldn't let her go right now.

When everything was my fault...


	14. How Do I Live? How Do I Breath?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you have to choose. You have to choose no matter how much it will hurt you. No matter how much it will take from you. You have to choose.

"What are you doing?"

"Steve..." she whispered.

"What the fuck are you doing (y/n)?"

"I am leaving."

"Why?"

"I know you don't really feel okay with me being here and... I don't want to give any discomfort. I have to leave."

"You think that you are giving me discomfort?"

"I don't want to talk about this. My cab is waiting downstairs."

"Tell the driver that (y/n) is staying here. He is free to go."

"Yes sir." AI answered.

"Steve what are you doing?"

"Stopping you to do something stupid. You are not leaving. You are staying here forever. It is your home now."

"I am not an Avenger. And this is Avenger Tower."

"You are one of thw best agends so what if you are not one of the team. You are coming nearly to every mission with us. You are staying here."

"Look. Steve. I know you are trying to be a good man and everything but. I really don't belong here. I gotta go." She said and took a step to the door. But before the second step I held her wrist an said:

"You are going no where. You belong in here with me."

"With you? Really? When was the last time you talked to me except when you needed anything or Natasha made you talk to me? When was the last time you didn't act like I was not a person but an object that you could decide what to do? When was the last time you made me feel like everything was okay? I am a ruin thanks to you Captain. And I really don't want to stay here. With you. Because it hurts. You are hurting me."

"If I am hurting you that much why did you jumped in front of me to take all those bullets?"

"Because I can not stop loving you! You think I didn't try? I did. I did everything to forget you. To forget the things you made me feel. But I can't."

"You still love me?"

"I won't give you that satisfaction by saying it one more time." She said and I kissed her. I kissed her with every damn emotion I had. I felt her tears making the kiss our kiss salty. But it didn't matter. Te thing that mattered was that her soft lips were on mine. That she was answering the kiss. That she was kissing me after all this time. After everything that happened.

"I love you. (Y/n). I still love you so much. And you have no idea how bad it was. Your blood covering both of us. That surgery that lasted forever. That days you were asleep. And than you woke up. But you were so weak. I could see the pain all over your body. And I knew it was my fault. I could't save you. I could't stop it before you did get hurt."

"It wasn't your fault. I decided to save you. Couldn't get a 98 year old get shot could I?" She gave me a soft smile. I laughed a little and kissed her again. This time my arm found her tiny waist and the other one was on her butt.

"Eager we are." She murmured. 

"Your room or my room?"

"Which one is closer?"

I lifted her bridal style and without stopping the kiss I took her to somewhere more private.

***

Steve's hand was gently caresing my bare back. My head was on his chest and I was listening to his heart beat.

"So... Are you taking me back?" He asked. I could sense the doubt in his voice. He was worried that I would not. I just smiled to myself.

"Do you want to come back?"

"More than anything. I know I was an ass. A total ass but. I love you princess. I want you for the rest of my life. But if you won't want to do this I can understand. I know the damage I made is not something to easily forgive or forget so..."

"Shut up Rogers. I can forgive you. I know I can. And I want to forgive you. Because I love you and after all that happened. I think both of us deserve some happiness."

"Yeah we do." He said kissing me. His hand finding its place on my ass. And mine on his chest.

"I love you (y/n)."

"And I love you Steve."

**Author's Note:**

> So....  
> Do you like my story?  
> Tell me my flaws and things you want to read. I am always open to new ideas.


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